A Letter to Alams: Not All Who Steal Are Thieves

Alkasimby Alkasim Abdulkadir

 

My Dear Governor General.

I write to congratulate you on achieving this pardon and for clearing your good name from where it was wrongly placed in the book of Nigerian ignominy, they say prophets are not honored in their homes but what honor can be greater than a presidential pardon after all your meritorious service to state and country. To paraphrase Alexander Pope -to err is human; to pardon is Presidential

When I remember the sweat under that Gele you tied from Heath-row and the torture of the corset that swaddled your belly as you entered the plane, the garnishing mascara and effeminate swag a whole Governor-General had to endure. I must say you have indeed made great sacrifices in life including saving us from Obasanjo’s third term junta.

Sir, forgive the vituperation’s of your fellow countrymen, who are covetous of your comeback, we have been told they are suffering from sophisticated ignorance. The most vociferous anger is from the children of anger on social media sites who have been busy maligning your name in this season of your rejuvenation. Let them be told that this callousness, the attempt by anti-corruption agents, newspaper editorials and the din from men of goodwill sorry -ill will is a move that will not succeed.

After all you did in Bayelsa your detractors are still yapping and accusing you of stealing, allow me educate them that it is not all those who steal that are thieves, some are statesmen but not thieves, some are pension reformers but not thieves and some are pickpockets but not thieves.

They said they found just 1 million Pounds in your London house, haba, is it not the same 1 million Pounds that common MDA Directors in Abuja keep in their bedrooms. I shake my head at them Your Excellency, instead of them to marvel at the meagre amount you kept as petty cash. Didn’t they know you were the Governor General of an oil rich state?

Another bunch of your jealous political detractors now came up with the malicious rumors that your houses in the UK were worth 10 million Pounds ONLY which could have built and equipped at least 50 primary health care centers  built 1000 blocks of ICT enabled class rooms, or empowered a minimum of 1 million young people with varied skill sets, or established 500 small/medium factories. They kept calculating on and on, yet upon all these calculations, none of them I repeat none of them has won the Nobel Prize for economics or even the Mathematics Olympiad for secondary schools.

One man who is jealous of your acquisitions and chief detractor is Nuhu Ribadu he has described your grand state pardon as a sad incident, well, with your permission I hereby ask him to go and hug a wet transformer. However, if and when he comes back to his senses and decides to pay a courtesy call to you, you can in principle promise him a shot at the presidency in 2019, because obviously Your Excellency with this pardon it means an automatic anointment of your political son, to whom much is given is not much deserved? Sir you can pause smile and say Jonah my pikin carry go!

The trio of Doyin Okupe, Tony Uranta and Reuben Abati should be singled out for commendation in their display of gallant eloquence and sophistry. Theirs is a much needed skill in such times of national amoral revisionism. Abati has atoned for his past caustic commentary on you in your moments of persecution; such Volta-face has earned him a perpetual exit from the political wilderness.

For the London Metropolitan Police it is now your turn to “Ntooii” at them, a tongue out will suffice for what they made you go through. I hope they have learnt a vital lesson that not all who steal are thieves some are statesmen! And the Americans why are they crying louder than the bereaved, they said they have calculated what you stole, sorry I mean the small something you put away for yourself and family that it was 55 million Pounds, is it their money?

My dear Governor General, let me drop my pen here and allow you receive guests who have come from far and near to felicitate with you on this milestone, this blow to do-gooders and other sabi-sabi people.

Sir now is the best time for you to also write a book for your traducers to understand your inner battles. I have taken the liberty to suggest a title –Politics, Persecution and Pardon a riveting tale of personal triumph. I assure you that the part of your miraculous voyage back to Nigeria in disguise shall hold readers spell bound.

As you make your way to the hallowed chambers of the National Assembly to become a Senator; the phrase Senator-General just rolled off my tongue, it has a nice ring to it already. May your enemies live long to see you become a Senator General, always remember sir; there are many pardons where this came from.

I am remain yours sincerely.

Alkasim Abdulkadir
I am @alkayy on twitter

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